A bit of laughter in the classroom

I can’t seem to motivate myself to write anything about my recent travels. I keep meaning to get to it but I get sidetracked on different things. One of my projects is my ongoing story I’ve been writing in Turkish for the past 5 months. Well, I’ve been writing it in a language that resembles Turkish in many ways and then in my lessons my teacher helps me to translate it into Turkish.This week I got sidetracked from my Turkish story. I was walking down the hall and ran into my FCE students (preparing for their Cambridge exams, so they are all at a very high level) and they were all eager to tell me that they were emailing me directions to their houses. Now, most of my students like me, but to hear about them emailing me directions to their homes, I was a bit concerned and taken aback. I asked them the reason for their emailing me. Apparently I was going to be staying with them at their homes, didn’t I know? Hadn’t the other teachers told me?

After a few minutes of bewilderment I put it together that this was their writing teacher’s way of motivating them to actually do that week’s assignment, which was writing an informal email. As the students find me a most wonderful man, my colleague adapted the assignment in the book to be an email from me, telling them that I was returning to Turkey after 5 years of being away and needed advice about where I should go. The students had to draft pretend responses to me.

Unbeknownst to my students, my colleague gave me their emails and I had a great time constructing various responses. While I can’t motivate myself to write my travel stories, I basically didn’t sleep for two days because I was too busy coming up with bizarre stories to write to my students. I’ve put them all below. Whether they appreciate my stories or not, who’s to say. Most of the time if I prepare something and bring it to class expecting a good response I end up going home depressed. So they probably won’t like my stories, maybe won’t even read them. But at least here I’ve had a good time and enjoyed the creative process.

 

As you know, I liked to tell very funny puns in class, but many of my students didn’t like them. Sometimes they would even become angry! Anyway, after I told my favorite pun one day (what happens when chemists die? They barium!), my students rebelled against me and threw me out of the classroom 308 window. I shattered my legs and have never been able to walk since then. Who knew my jokes were so bad that they would one day cripple me? Anyway, I went home to be with my family as I recovered. I’m excited to be coming back to Turkey, but don’t worry, I won’t tell any more puns. I’ve learned my lesson!

I’m glad to hear that you’re taking a Japanese language course! I wouldn’t think that you would have time for that, since you’re so busy with your new job as the mayor. I think it would be nice if you could put up some signs alerting people that the area is a “no-pun zone” so that nobody else has the same fate as I had on that awful day. I also think you should do something about the local goat problem. Sometimes they can be angry and attack people. I heard a story about one man losing his fingers, nose and a chunk of his ear after being attacked by the local goat! But I know you’re busy and these are minor concerns, so if you are unable to do them, I understand.

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t want to join me when I visit the art museums. You don’t know what you’re missing! I guess I’ll have to roll around from exhibit to exhibit by myself. If you can let me know which ones I should definitely see, and if they’re wheelchair-friendly or not, I’d really appreciate it!

I’m really glad to be coming to see you, and don’t worry, I won’t tell you any bad jokes. I’ll let you know my flight details as the date comes closer.

See you soon!

Steven

6. To: ________

From: Steven

Subject: Re:Re: Coming to Turkey again!

Hi ________!

Thanks so much for your message! I’m so excited to be coming back to Turkey and I’m glad that you’ll be able to host me. I’m afraid the taxis from the airport are too expensive for me, all my money I made when I was here went to pay for my operation. I have an idea though, why don’t you just send a driver to take me from the airport to your place?

You may not recognize me when I come, so much has happened in the last five years since we had our class. That summer I decided to have a hair transplant. After so many years of baldness I was tired of everyone making fun of me all the time. I was so self-conscious! You wouldn’t believe how mean people can be to you when you’re bald. Besides, my head would get very cold in the winters.

Anyway, after my hair transplant surgery, I looked completely different. I had become so handsome that the students were afraid to look at me. Sometimes they would even start crying in class and eventually just stopped coming to my lessons. But it wasn’t only the students who were affected by my beautiful new hair! The teachers were all jealous of me. They all stopped talking to me and sometimes would write hateful messages and leave them on my desk. They even tried to light my hair on fire once. I came to regret my hair transplant because it made me so handsome that everyone turned against me. I decided to go into solitude and live alone in the woods, where my beauty wouldn’t cause anyone to hate me.

I’m so thankful for your advice on what to see when I’m in Turkey. Başdeğirmen sounds like a lovely place, I’m sure I will love their breakfast. But can it be better than the breakfast at Kale restaurant by Rumeli Hisarı? Also, for art museums, I’m currently interested in art that deals with social problems resulting from body enhancement surgery, specifically with the dangers of hair transplant surgeries. If you have any ideas about that, I would really love your help.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing you again! I’ll inform you of my flight details as the date gets closer. See you soon!

Steven

P.S. Do you know which shops sell the best hair gel?

7. To: _________

From: Steven

Subject: Re:Re: Return to Turkey

Hi ________!

Thanks so much for responding to my last email. I’m really looking forward to coming back to Istanbul after these five long years. It will be so good to see you! Thanks so much for the recommendations to visit Ephesus, Pamukkale and Cappadocia; although in my condition I’m afraid I won’t be able to see them. Because of what happened five years ago, the ruins and shapes of the rocks in many of these places still remind me of pieces of chalk. The terror would be too much for me.

Surely you heard about what happened on that horrible spring day in 2013 which led to my departure from Turkey? Maybe you’ve forgotten; I’ll refresh your memory. It turned out that everyone from the afternoon FCE 2 class passed the exam but not everyone in the morning FCE 1 class did. Rex, who taught speaking and listening for FCE 1, became very jealous of my teaching skills. One day as I was leaving the classroom, Rex trapped me in a corner and blinded me with chalk dust. I couldn’t breathe; there was so much chalk dust everywhere! Rex then tried to poke my eyes out with pieces of chalk which he’d carefully sharpened at home over the past weeks. Thankfully, Ayşe and Büşra came running and saved me just in time. I had to spend some time in the hospital but have never been the same since then. I had developed Calxophobia, or the fear of chalk. As you can understand, I could no longer teach at _______ University. I decided to return to the USA for therapy.

After 5 years I can now see chalk and not faint from terror, but if I were to go to a place with ancient ruins I’m afraid my old phobia would resurface. In my mind they all look like pieces of chalk. I want to take it easy and just see museums. My therapist says that maybe if I just see pictures of chalk it will help me to conquer my fear and one day I will be brave enough to go to places like Cappadocia, but I’m not ready yet. Do you know if there are any art exhibits that have chalk galleries? I think that this would be good for me. If you could do some research and find out for me, I’d really appreciate it.

Anyway, I’m really glad that you’ll be able to see me when I’m back in Istanbul. As the date for my trip gets closer I’ll fill you in on all of my flight details. Also, if you could make sure there isn’t any chalk in your house that would be really nice too. I’m really looking forward to seeing you!

Best,

Steven

8. To:________

From: Steven

Subject: Re:Re: Coming back to Turkey!

Hi ________!

I’m so glad to hear back from you! It’s so nice to hear from some of my students again, everyone had stopped contacting me after what happened back in 2013. I’m so glad that you’ll be willing to host me. Don’t believe the rumors and don’t be afraid, even though it’s the time of the Tulip Festival I won’t steal the tulips. It’s so hard to find people who believe my story! I think you’re the only one.

You remember back in 2013 when they announced the winner for the Best Accented Language Dude award, or the BALD award, don’t you? Well, I was the winner by a hair, and Rex was second place. Rex was very jealous, however. Around the same time, someone stole all of the tulips from the Istanbul Tulip festival. One night when I returned home to my apartment, the police were there waiting to arrest me! Apparently someone had put the tulips inside my apartment, had used photoshop to create pictures of me stealing all of the tulips and had planted evidence at the scene of the crime!

Well, needless to say, it was a big scandal. The institute for higher education revoked my work permit and I couldn’t teach anymore. Everyone at the university hated me. I was stripped of the BALD award, which was then given to Rex. I ended up getting deported. Now it’s been five years and I can return to Turkey to clear my name. I know you believe me, that it wasn’t me who stole the tulips. It must have been Rex! He was jealous about not winning the BALD award so he framed me with the tulips, knowing that I would lose the award and he would get it.

As I said before, I’ve begun a new career working in art history, so yes I am excited to go see some museums in Istanbul. To be honest, though, the real reason for my visit is to get my vengeance on Rex for everything that’s happened to me in the last five years. I want to reclaim my BALD award and win back the hearts of my students and colleagues. Do you think you can help me convince them that it was Rex, and not me who stole all of those tulips five years ago?

I’m looking forward to seeing you soon, it’s been too long. Thank you so much for believing my story all along. Anyway, I’ll let you know my flight details as my trip gets closer so you know when to expect me. See you soon!

Best,

Steven

9. To: ________

From: Steven

Subject: Re:Re: Visit

Hi ________!

Thanks so much for your quick response to my email. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! I’m glad that you’ll be able to host me at your house as well; I’ll need to be in a comfortable place in order to practice for the big show coming up. I told you about it before, didn’t I? Maybe I didn’t mention it.

Anyway, back when we were doing that FCE class I was started to learn how to play the ney. I became very good at it and even started to write my own music. It was very popular. It was kind of like Mercan Dede’s music, I called it Sufi electro-ney chillout music. My 2014 hit “I tried to catch the fog but I mist” won the Eurovision song contest, as I’m sure you remember.

The only problem was that I quickly became more popular than Mercan Dede, who began to be jealous of my superior talent at Sufi electro-ney chillout music. He began to insert subliminal messages in his songs to manipulate his fans to attack me. It’s a good thing I had that nazar bracelet because I managed to uncover a secret murder plot against me and I was able to escape in time. I had to flee back to Michigan where I’ve been living since then, perfecting my ney skills. Mercan Dede has finally accepted my challenge and has told his fans to leave me in peace. Next month he and I will have a ney duel onstage at Babylon to see once and for all who is the Sufi electro-ney chillout master.

I know you’re busy but I do hope you will be able to go to the show at Babylon. I need to have some supporters there so Mercan Dede’s fans don’t try to kill me. I’m hoping you can talk to some of the other people from the FCE class and see if they will come support me. Don’t bother with Rex, though, he was my friend but he was always a Mercan Dede fan. I was sad to find out that he was the mastermind behind the plot for my murder in 2015.

Thank you for your recommendations for things to see. Because I’m preparing for my duel with Mercan Dede, I won’t have time to go to Northern Turkey for rafting. I need to learn more about Sufism. Do you know museums that have Sufi inspired art? I hear that I should see the Galata Mevlevi dervish lodge, do you know it? Also, maybe I should go to Konya or Haci Bektaş. Do you know what I should do there?

Anyway, I’m very excited to be able to see you again! Thanks so much for letting me stay at your place. I’ll let you know my travel details in my next email, I misplaced my ticket somewhere.

Take care!

Steven

10. To:_______

From: Steven

Subject: Re:Re: Traveling to Turkey again!

Hi ______!

It’s been so long, I’m so glad that you still remember me and responded to my email! Thank you so much for letting me stay with you, it means a lot to me. Unfortunately, a taxi will be too expensive for me. I think I will just walk from the airport. Is it far?

That’s a great idea about going on a gastronomy tour of Turkey, especially considering my new profession. I’m disappointed that you won’t be able to go with me, though, as I’m not sure exactly where I should go. Do you know which cities in Istanbul are famous for the best simits? I need to go to these places to learn from the simit masters. I’ll do some research, but I don’t think I’ll go with a tourism agency. I think the agencies will charge me too much money and I don’t want to have to spend time with stupid, loud, obnoxious tourists.

I told you about my new job before, didn’t I? After many years of teaching I decided that I would follow my true passion and become a simitçi. I was always interested in simitçi s, I even wrote a short story about one, back when we were doing that FCE class. I sold the story to TRT and it became a big hit, I’m sure you know about it. Is the series still going on? Anyway, with the money I got from my story I was able to become a simitçi, but I’m still learning about it; I’m not a simit usta yet. I don’t have a good enough voice to be a truly good simitçi. Unfortunately, in the USA it’s really difficult to make simits and they aren’t popular, so I’m really excited to be back in Turkey for a little while where more people appreciate simits.

I also want to see art galleries. I want to see historical paintings of old Istanbul that have simitçis in them, because I’m writing a book about how the simitçi has been portrayed in Turkish art. Do you know any galleries that have paintings of simitçis? If you could help me find some, I would really appreciate it. I know the painter Melling had some paintings with simitçis, but I don’t know where to find them. Maybe in Dolmabahçe palace?

Anyway, I’m really glad that you responded to my email. I’m really looking forward to seeing you again! I’ll let you know my travel details later, I can’t seem to find my ticket but it’s in my email somewhere. If you could tell me how to walk to your place from the airport, I’d appreciate it. Hopefully I’ll be able to sell some simits along the way!

Take care and see you soon!

Steven

Hi ______!

I’m so glad that you replied to my email! I’m really looking forward to seeing you. It’s been so long and so much has changed! I know that you’ll be busy when I’m there but I’m hoping that, even if you can’t accompany me on my trips outside of Istanbul, that you will be able to show me some really good museums when I am there in the city.

Who could have guessed that the year after you took the FCE examination and did so well, that Turkey would close all of the English language programs all over the country and deport all of their foreign English teachers? I guess it was connected with the whole world’s sudden interest in Turkish history and culture. It’s definitely been an interesting four years since leaving Turkey, but my Turkish has really improved. I’m nearly fluent now, and last year became a certified teacher of Turkish. (I don’t know why I’m writing to you in English, I should be writing to you in Turkish!) It’s been interesting to see how English teachers all over the world slowly had to return to the USA because English completely lost its importance. At least all of the students are happier at the university now! You’ll be surprised to hear that we hardly even speak English at home now! Everyone’s having a difficult time learning Turkish so I’m thankful for my years I spent in Istanbul.

This trip that I’m making to Istanbul now is very important for my career as a Turkish teacher in the USA. Because it’s so competitive to get a job as a Turkish teacher in the universities’ language preparatory programs here, it really helps to know a lot about Turkey. I’m hoping to learn all I can about Turkey’s history and art, so I think I should really see Hagia Sophia and Topkapi. Can you show me around those places? I also should probably learn about Turkish food, as American fast food companies will all close soon and be replaced with Turkish restaurants. I need to be able to help my students learn about Turkish food. There’s so much that my students will need to learn about Turkish culture, so if I can become an expert on my trip (with your help!) it will be really good for my career.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing you. I get to the Büyükçekmece airport sometime in the evening, but I’m not sure exactly what time. I’ll let you know tomorrow.